Confessions of An Only Child

Last night my mom was brought to the hospital. Her blood pressure reaching 170/100. She said she's feeling shaky yet numb.After the close monitoring of her doctor for 12 hours, she's only on 130/90.Though my mom's still feeling dizzy, she said she's okay. She's 66 turning 67 january next year.

It saddens me that although she's okay, I can't get to take care of her. She's in Bicol for almost two months now. Decided to stay there with the nuns so she could serve the church more. She joins a Catholic group back in the province where she talks during seminars and bible studies. I can recall her reason for doing so - She wants to prepare herself. She didn't say for what, but on her age I know what she wants to tell me  - for her death.

There's just one thing on my mind. Ganto pala pakiramdam ng solong anak na alam mong any time pwedeng mawala ang nagiisang taong tumayong nanay at tatay mo all your life. I keep on thinking that I can live my life even if time comes that she'll have to be with our creator. She told me she wanted to stay in our hometown to prepare everything she needed. Kumpleto na lahat ng kelangan niya kung sakali - she bought her own lot at Eternal Gardens years ago, had her insurance which will take care of EVERYTHING including church service. It amazes me how she gets to do all these just to spare me of what has to be done when she's gone. Ako pa rin iniisip niya - her only child.

She told me to take care of my little babies. Of hubby, to lessen our arguments and to love him even more. Reminded me to finish the last few units left 'cause she's proud of my UP education. But she doesn't want her sisters to visit her at the hospital. I would want to disagree, but she has reasons. Is this what we call huling habilin? I told her that if this is the time, let's just be thankful for everything given for us - for the time we shared and the love we showed. Hayaan na natin yung mga hindi natin nagawa, I added. She replied, Kung meron man ako na hindi pa nagawa, ikaw na gumawa non. And I promised to do so. I wanted to make her feel na malakas ang loob ko, but that's just to make her at peace. But deep inside I am crying. Nanghihinayang ako sa time na hindi kame nagkasama cause I was in Los Baños, studying. I feel that of my 26 years living, I was only able to spend my first 15 years with her. That was the time when I still care less about her. When I was being too much of a goal oriented, wanting to be alone because I crave badly for my independence.Isn't it ironic that realization came when it's almost late to do things, to make someone feel about how we feel.

For a moment, I wanted to do everything for her. Knowing she wanted to see me made me cry even harder.I don't know when would be her 'right time' but maybe this is the chance for me to spend quality time with her.To capture the years we've lost even just to moments of pure love and care. And I hope it's not yet too late.


  1. Hi Sissy!

    Wag mong isipin na huling habilin yan.

    Bihira ang magulang na ganyan. I know thankful ka sa kanya. Pero take everything on the brighter side. Kung kukunin man siya, wag naman sana soon, eh it'll happen for a reason. It'll happen at the right time.

    Do not focus on the regrets, instead, make up with the days you still have with her. Ngayong may sarili family ka na, naiinitindihan nya yun. Keeping in touch is the best you can do.

    Cheer up! ^_^

  2. that's what i'm gonna do.
    Uwi ako bicol tom.
    thanks sis!
    sad entry ba?haha have to shake this off. :D

  3. Oo sad...

    Wag na ganun!

    Dapat nang-aaway lang tayo sa mga Jacque sa mundo!


  4. To see each day as new day, as a fresh day, is not always easy. It depends on whether you can continue to keep hope strong in your heart. Taking every day as it comes, as it unfolds, is possible but to do this you have to hold on to a belief in your self and try to summon up the inner strength that is kept deep within you. If you can do this then you will take each day and make it your own. Perhaps you are already doing the things I suggest need to be done. I do not understand the language that is used in the other comments, by friends and comforters... but I am guessing that each one, in their own way, is sending you messages of comfort that try, as I do now, to help you with words that show compassion and a caring attitude. In the case of those who know you it will also be words of love, in the spiritual' as well as human sense of that powerful word. I'm also guessing that others will know that each day is better faced if it is treated as a "new day" and one which signifies that you are embracing it with hope and a feeling that you will continue to be strong... and in being strong you will help yourself and by this will help those whom you care deeply for. I am a new community member. I discovered your blog entry by random chance. I wish you and yours well and record my good wishes here and hope my added words also help you. Best wishes.