i have written this years ago.. just feel like reposting it
i sort of can relate to it this times.my drama moments. lol
here we go..

did i bother you when i say i wasnt feelin well last night?
i told u i wasnt really sick or somethin. it was this book
kasi...the cat's eye, remember? it made me into tears and
just suddenly i feel like i wanted to talk to you, coz i
know holding you would be an impossibility.there was this
part that a guy asked the girl after a long time if there
had been any 'guys' beside him (he was just pretendin he
didnt know that the girl really has).Then the gurl
answered 'what made you think of that?That was a long time
ago'. I cant help but think of the times that I was like
that girl.That girl hidin somethin from you..and the time
when i asked bout 'her' (remember?) when you
answered 'ewan ko.para sakin wala.' I know it all goes down
to jealousy, my being paranoid.It was the least that i
shud do but believe me, it was the hardest.And although
i've been forgetful and all, honestly a mark of it
remains.but it wasnt bitterness at all.i cud oweiz stare
somewhere and smile and say ' there was a reason...'

i dont exactly know what i wanted to point out here.there's
just these things on my mind wantin to get out.but what i
do know is i wanted to thank you.it's not everytime that i
say this, but am really (should i say?) honored to find the
love u have for me, then and now.i wanted to be the perfect
gurl for you...but as reality says, that is just
like 'you havin milk'.very unlikely.

i only have myself and my imperfections to offer - tons of
jealousies and doubts. i was tryin to change, tryin to be
what you want.hallucinating someday i wud be that
pretty,sexy lady you dreamed of.but see? i cudnt be that...
even as i try to make myself believe people love me for
what i am...it's still different.i cudnt be the gurl
perfect for you.and i dont know how else i can be.

i made you believe me with those acts, coz i wanted to hurt you.
.and you to hurt me..and though it's pathetic to say ( yet i've said it
before)and it's hard to admit... i have fallen madly inluv
with you...with all those kisses, the stares, the embrace,
the words and how you treated me...it deepens more...

i was all along dreamin to be with you forever and it hurts
me, knowin (though for a fact) that you are not ready yet.i
realize now, that guys though they are so much inlove with
a girl, marriage is still a different thing.the sad part is
i expected for a guy to think the way i do.maybe i am so
much younger the way i thought i am.i still wanna grow old
with you...

Date Written: 2003-02-10 12:01:11


How TRUE LOVE finds you

I just want to share an article i got from one of my online diaries..
For people looking for love, confused, hesitant..and for people who just want love.
hope you like it!


I began to learn about love in dancing school at age 12.
I remember thinking on the first day I was going to fall madly in
love with one of the boys and spend the next years of my life kissing
and waltzing.
During class, however, I sat among the girls, waiting for
a boy to ask me to dance. To my complete shock, I was
consistently one of the last to be asked.

At first I thought the boys had made a terrible mistake.
I was so funny and pretty, and I could beat everyone I knew at
tennis and climb trees faster than a cat. Why didn't they dash toward me?

Yet class after class, I watched boys dressed in blue
blazers and gray pants head toward girls in flowered shifts whose
perfect ponytails swung back and forth like metronomes. They fell easily
into step with one another in a way that was completely mysterious to
me. I came to believe that love belonged only to those who glided, who
never shimmied up trees or even really touched the ground.

By the time I was 13, I knew how to subtly tilt my head
and make my tears fall back into my eyes, instead of down my cheeks,
when no one asked me to dance. I also discovered the powder room,
which became my softly lit, reliable retreat. Whenever I started to
cry, I'd excuse myself and run in there.

I finally stopped crying when I met Matt, who was quiet
and hung out on the edges of the room. When we danced for the first
time, he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. But he was cute, and
he told great stories. We became good buddies, dancing every dance
together until the end of school.

I learned from him my most important lesson about
romance: that the potential for love exists in corners, in the most
unlikely as well as the most obvious places.

For years my love life continued to be one long novel.
In college, I fell in love with a tall English major who rode a
motorcycle. He stood me up on our sixth date. In my mid-20s I moved to
NY where love is as hard to find as a legal parking spot. My first
Valentine's Day there, I went on a date to a crowded bar on the Upper
West Side. Halfway thru the dinner, my date excused himself and
never returned.

At the time, I lived with a beautiful roommate. Flowers
piled up at our door like snowdrifts, and the light on the answering
machine always blinked in a panicky way, overloaded with messages from
her admirers. Limos purred outside, with dates waiting for her behind
tinted windows.

In my mind, love was something behind a tinted window,
part apparition, part shadow, definitely unreachable.
Whenever I spotted happy looking couples, I'd wonder where thy found love,
and want to follow them home for the answer.

After a few years in the city, I got my dream job --
writing about weddings for a magazine called 7 Days. I had to find
interesting engaged couples and write up their love stories. I got
to ask total strangers the things I'd always wanted to know.

I found at least one sure answer to the question "How do
you know it's love?" You know when the everyday things
surrounding you -- the leaves, the shade of light in the sky, a bowl of
strawberries -- suddenly shimmer with king of unreality. You know when
the tiny details about another person, ones that are insignificant to most
people, seem fascinating and incredible to you. One groom told me he
loved everything about his wife, from her handwriting to the way she
scratched on their apartment door like a cat when she came home. One
bride said she fell in love her fiance because, "one night, a moth was
flying around a light bulb, and he caught it and let it
out the window. So she said, 'that's it. He's the guy'."
You also know it's love when you can't stop talking to
each other.

Almost every couple I've ever interviewed said that on
their first or second date, they talked for hours and hours. For some,
falling in love is like walking into a soundproof confessional
booth, a place where you can tell all. I can't tell you how many women
have told me they knew they were in love because they forgot to wear make
up around their boyfriend. Or because they felt at ease hanging around
him in flannel pajamas. There's some modern truth to Cinderella's tale --
it's love when you're incredibly comfortable, when the shoe fits

Finally, I think you're in love if you can make each
other laugh at the very worst times. As someone once told me, 90% of
being in love is making each other's lives funnier and easier, all the way
to the deathbed.

I've interviewed many people who were down on their luck
in every way a ballerina with chronic problems, a physicist who
had been on 112 blind dates, a clarinet player who was a single dad and
could barely pay rent. But love, when they found it, brought humor,
candlelight, home-cooked meals, fun, adventure, poetry and long
conversations in their lives.

When people ask me where to find love, I tell a story
about one of my first job interviews. He gave me some advice I will
never forget.

He said "Go out into the world. Work hard and
concentrate on what you love to do, writing. If you become good, we will find

That's why I always tell people looking for love to wait
for that "I won the lottery" feeling -- wait, wait, wait! Don't read
articles about how to trap, seduce or hypnotize a mate. Don't
worry about your lipstick or your height, because it is not going to
matter. Just live your life well, take care of yourself, and don't mope too
much. Love will find you.

Eventually it even found me. At 28, I met my husband in
a stationary store. I was buying a typewriter ribbon, and he was
looking at Filofaxes. I remember that his eyes perfectly matched
his faded jeans. He remembers that my sneakers were full of sand.
He still talks about those sneakers and how they evoked his childhood --
things he cherished.

How did I know that it was true love? Our first real
date lasted for nine hours; we just couldn't stop talking. I had never
been able to dance in my life, but I could dance with him, perfectly
in step. I have learned that it's love when you finally stop
tripping over your toes. A year after we met, we married.

With each story I hear, I have proof that love, optimism,
guts, grace, perfect partners and good luck do, in fact,
exist. Love in my opinion is not a fantasy, not the stuff of romance novels
or fairy tales. It's as gritty and real as the subway, it comes
around just as regularly, and as long as you can stick it out on the
platform, you won't miss it.