Confessions of An Only Child

Last night my mom was brought to the hospital. Her blood pressure reaching 170/100. She said she's feeling shaky yet numb.After the close monitoring of her doctor for 12 hours, she's only on 130/90.Though my mom's still feeling dizzy, she said she's okay. She's 66 turning 67 january next year.

It saddens me that although she's okay, I can't get to take care of her. She's in Bicol for almost two months now. Decided to stay there with the nuns so she could serve the church more. She joins a Catholic group back in the province where she talks during seminars and bible studies. I can recall her reason for doing so - She wants to prepare herself. She didn't say for what, but on her age I know what she wants to tell me  - for her death.

There's just one thing on my mind. Ganto pala pakiramdam ng solong anak na alam mong any time pwedeng mawala ang nagiisang taong tumayong nanay at tatay mo all your life. I keep on thinking that I can live my life even if time comes that she'll have to be with our creator. She told me she wanted to stay in our hometown to prepare everything she needed. Kumpleto na lahat ng kelangan niya kung sakali - she bought her own lot at Eternal Gardens years ago, had her insurance which will take care of EVERYTHING including church service. It amazes me how she gets to do all these just to spare me of what has to be done when she's gone. Ako pa rin iniisip niya - her only child.

She told me to take care of my little babies. Of hubby, to lessen our arguments and to love him even more. Reminded me to finish the last few units left 'cause she's proud of my UP education. But she doesn't want her sisters to visit her at the hospital. I would want to disagree, but she has reasons. Is this what we call huling habilin? I told her that if this is the time, let's just be thankful for everything given for us - for the time we shared and the love we showed. Hayaan na natin yung mga hindi natin nagawa, I added. She replied, Kung meron man ako na hindi pa nagawa, ikaw na gumawa non. And I promised to do so. I wanted to make her feel na malakas ang loob ko, but that's just to make her at peace. But deep inside I am crying. Nanghihinayang ako sa time na hindi kame nagkasama cause I was in Los Baños, studying. I feel that of my 26 years living, I was only able to spend my first 15 years with her. That was the time when I still care less about her. When I was being too much of a goal oriented, wanting to be alone because I crave badly for my independence.Isn't it ironic that realization came when it's almost late to do things, to make someone feel about how we feel.

For a moment, I wanted to do everything for her. Knowing she wanted to see me made me cry even harder.I don't know when would be her 'right time' but maybe this is the chance for me to spend quality time with her.To capture the years we've lost even just to moments of pure love and care. And I hope it's not yet too late.


kelangan bang maging martir?

i was reading this site when this text quote reminded me of hubby : 

sad but true fact of lyf:

"people will love n adore u 4 da hundreds
of gud thngs u'vdone 4 dem..
but will hate u 4 a single mstake:-(

(people will love and adore you for the hundreds of good things  you've done for them,
but will hate you for a single mistake)

I was being paranoid last night having an argument with hubby on pretty simple things. which, i believe due to my post menstrual syndrome(if there is such or i was just being total b!tch) when he told me that :

alam mo ammy(his term of endearment for me) kahit na gano karami pagkakamali mo sakin, isang maganda lang na ginawa mo, bawi na lahat ng maling nagawa mo.

It suddenly struck my heart as if with a knife.hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako, maiiyak or plain guilty for  being so dumb-hearted. There are things that i would want to understand but really there are reasons which keeps me from doing so.His being inconsistent has become an issue for me which literally in short his being  a liar at times.It has crossed my mind to just let go of these things.Pero ang hirap talaga tumanggap na lang ng tumanggap ng mga idea lalo na alam mong mali. 

Maybe marriage is about being able to swallow what you cant (no pun intended :D) . Or  in simple terms, minsan kelangan magpakamartir. Minsan you have to voice out your side pero in the end the guy still has the final say. The times that you need to say, you should have asked me first but all you can say is sige okay lang. When you needed to say pagod na ko but all you can afford is pahinga ka muna

Nakakainis isipin di ba?Pero kelangan maging martir minsan. Kelangan pagaralan. Somehow being a mother means being able to set aside oneself. But when you think about why you're doing it, and it's because of love, masarap sa pakiramdam. Siguro. But i have to try it yet. Lol.

A Filipino Makes it to CNN Top Ten Heroes

Rhandolf Fajardo,  shared his experience that he was pressured to join a gang during his sixth grade.Making it one of the most influential thing in his life. He recalled the time he was bullied until his high school and been thankful to Efren who helped him improve his life.

Efren together with his team, the Dynamic Teen Company, has been educating the youth (even children as young as two)for almost 12 years using the pushcart classroom as their major tool. This, equipped with tables and chairs, books and pens recreated an educational facility setup in unconventional areas like dump sites and cemetery.Their goal : to be productive by encouraging people to uplift their lives through education.

Through the years, more than 10,000 members have helped the organization by collecting recyclable items and selling crafts.

This cause made Efren Penaflorida to CNN Top Heroes.Together we can support him to be CNN Hero of the year by voting here.

Check out the Video.