Confessions

i have written this years ago.. just feel like reposting it
i sort of can relate to it this times.my drama moments. lol 
here we go..




did i bother you when i say i wasnt feelin well last night?
i told u i wasnt really sick or somethin. it was this book
kasi...the cat's eye, remember? it made me into tears and
just suddenly i feel like i wanted to talk to you, coz i
know holding you would be an impossibility.there was this
part that a guy asked the girl after a long time if there
had been any 'guys' beside him (he was just pretendin he
didnt know that the girl really has).Then the gurl
answered 'what made you think of that?That was a long time
ago'. I cant help but think of the times that I was like
that girl.That girl hidin somethin from you..and the time
when i asked bout 'her' (remember?) when you
answered 'ewan ko.para sakin wala.' I know it all goes down
to jealousy, my being paranoid.It was the least that i
shud do but believe me, it was the hardest.And although
i've been forgetful and all, honestly a mark of it
remains.but it wasnt bitterness at all.i cud oweiz stare
somewhere and smile and say ' there was a reason...'

i dont exactly know what i wanted to point out here.there's
just these things on my mind wantin to get out.but what i
do know is i wanted to thank you.it's not everytime that i
say this, but am really (should i say?) honored to find the
love u have for me, then and now.i wanted to be the perfect
gurl for you...but as reality says, that is just
like 'you havin milk'.very unlikely.

i only have myself and  my imperfections to offer - tons of
jealousies and doubts. i was tryin to change, tryin to be
what you want.hallucinating someday i wud be that
pretty,sexy lady you dreamed of.but see? i cudnt be that...
even as i try to make myself believe people love me for
what i am...it's still different.i cudnt be the gurl
perfect for you.and i dont know how else  i can be.

i made you believe me with those acts, coz i wanted  to hurt you.
.and you to hurt me..and though it's pathetic to say ( yet i've said it
before)and it's hard to admit... i have fallen madly inluv
with you...with all those kisses, the stares, the embrace,
the words and how you treated me...it deepens more...

i was all along dreamin to be with you forever and it hurts
me, knowin (though for a fact) that you are not ready yet.i
realize now, that guys though they are so much inlove with
a girl, marriage is still a different thing.the sad part is
i expected for a guy to think the way i do.maybe i am so
much younger the way i thought i am.i still wanna grow old
with you...

Date Written: 2003-02-10 12:01:11